The boy that I love and his girlfriend walk together, every moment of every day. Sometimes I’m with them, creeping up along side of their connected arms, subtly turning away whenever I see them lather each other in love. Every stare from another leaves an imprint on my rioting thoughts because I know the truth is I should be miles away. The girlfriend of the boy that I love is one of my closest friends. She’s as beautiful as she is amiable. Her laughs are rays of sunshine, her smiles cure other’s frowns. She doesn’t live in a world of rain clouds. She presses her hopes on wonders that shift to reality while my hopes live in a withering purgatory. She tries to lend me her light but it slips through my fingers just as he did.

            The boy that I love is the only one who can break me with every syllable from his smooth talking tongue. Every time I shatter he glues the pieces back into place with meaningful words and promises he will most likely break. I latch onto those memories of his bare skin and try to forget that I only saw what she can now touch. His playful touches and deep spiraling stares should mean nothing but they don’t because time hasn’t forgiven me yet. Maybe it never will. Maybe I’ll be stuck at a forever beaming red light while all the lights around her are green. In the meantime, I’ll go out to dinner with loneliness and fill up on dopamine from wishful thinking. I’ll let them both tell me everything will be okay and crack a smile as I’m digging my nails into my skin. 

            The boy that I love can keep a secret as well as I can lie. I’m his best-worst secret to keep and he’s the most precious lie I say to myself,. Made up nights, him and me, when he’s not at her house down the street. His everlasting warmth and reserved love are all I need to put me to sleep. His arms are my medicine, around her they are my disease. I knew it was a matter of time before I lost him. When he realized the pain that engulfed me was something he’d rather stay away from than heal. When the love I could’ve given wasn’t enough to make him see past the burden that I am. They both say I make them happy but I want to be someone’s reason to leap out of bed in the morning. The first and last pleasant thought on someone’s star struck mind. The last branch of a fallen tree over an abyss to latch on to. The rainbow after a vicious storm. The person that someone could bathe in their love and not doubt for a second that I wasn’t worth it. But I’m not.

            The boy that I love is always going to be there for me just maybe not the way I want him to. His girlfriend is always going to try to lift me up and she definitely deserves happiness more than me.

I. Am. So. Happy. For. You. Both.